Consider a remarried couple, each with children from a previous relationship. Both want to provide financial security for the surviving spouse and ensure their children receive an inheritance.

On the surface, their goals appear aligned.

But what happens when one spouse wants to divide everything equally among all the children, while the other believes assets brought into the marriage should ultimately pass to their biological children?

Neither perspective is necessarily unreasonable. Yet, without understanding the motivations behind these preferences, even a well-designed estate planning strategy can become a source of conflict.

For financial professionals working with blended families, the challenge often extends beyond determining how assets should be distributed. It involves understanding what those assets represent to the people involved.

The Family Dynamics Behind Estate Planning Decisions

Estate planning requires families to make decisions about financial security, responsibility, and legacy. In blended families, these decisions may involve relationships and obligations extending across multiple households.

A parent may feel a responsibility to protect assets intended for children from a previous marriage. A new spouse may view those same decisions as a lack of commitment to their shared future. Children may interpret inheritance decisions as reflections of their place within the family.

These perspectives can coexist, even when family members care deeply about one another.

In our Journal of Financial Planning article, Dr. Brad Klontz and I explored how financial psychology and family systems concepts can help financial planners better understand these dynamics.

One important consideration is that blended families do not necessarily develop the same relationships, expectations, or financial arrangements as nuclear families. Biological parents and children often share histories and loyalties that predate the current marriage. Stepparent relationships may develop differently, and family members may have different expectations about financial responsibilities.

Understanding these differences is essential when helping clients develop an estate plan that reflects their priorities.

Equal and Fair Are Not Always the Same

One of the most challenging estate planning conversations involves determining what constitutes fair treatment of children.

For some clients, fairness means dividing assets equally among all children, regardless of biological relationships. For others, fairness means recognizing differences in financial need, assets brought into the marriage, previous financial support, or obligations to children from prior relationships.

Consider a couple in which one spouse entered the marriage with substantial retirement savings and established college funds for two children. The other spouse entered the marriage with fewer assets and has two children of their own.

Should all four children ultimately receive equal inheritances? Should premarital assets be treated differently? How should wealth accumulated during the current marriage be distributed?

There is no universally correct answer.

The financial professional’s role is not to impose a personal definition of fairness but to help clients articulate their own values, understand each other’s perspectives, and evaluate the financial implications of their choices.

A question to use with clients:

“When you think about treating your children fairly, what does fairness mean to each of you?”

This question can reveal differences that might otherwise remain hidden until the couple begins discussing specific beneficiaries or distribution percentages.

Start With the Family, Not the Documents

Traditional estate planning discussions often begin with an inventory of assets, beneficiary designations, wills, and trusts.

Those elements are essential, but for blended families, an additional step can be particularly valuable: understanding the family structure and the relationships within it.

One tool discussed in our research is a genogram, a visual representation of family relationships. Unlike a traditional family tree, a genogram can help identify relationship dynamics, significant family transitions, and connections between households.

Financial professionals can also develop a financial relationship map that illustrates how money flows among family members and households.

For example, a client may have child support obligations, college funding commitments, financial responsibilities to aging parents, or ongoing support for adult children. These obligations may influence how each spouse views the ownership and eventual distribution of assets.

Mapping these relationships and responsibilities can help professionals identify considerations that may not emerge through a traditional financial fact-finding process.

Questions to use with clients:

• “Who are the important people we need to consider when developing your estate plan?”
• “Are there financial commitments or expectations involving family members outside your immediate household?”
• “Are there relationships or family circumstances that could influence how your estate planning decisions are perceived?”

These conversations can provide valuable context before discussing specific estate planning strategies.

Address the Emotions Behind the Decisions

Even when couples agree on their broad estate planning goals, they may struggle to implement them.

One spouse may worry that establishing a trust for biological children signals distrust of the surviving spouse. Another may worry that leaving everything outright to the surviving spouse could unintentionally disinherit children from a previous relationship.

The underlying concerns may involve trust, security, loyalty, or fear of future conflict, rather than disagreement over the technical merits of a particular estate planning strategy.

Our research discusses several financial psychology approaches that professionals can incorporate into these conversations, including exploring money beliefs, structured communication exercises, and motivational interviewing.

These techniques can help clients better understand their own perspectives and those of their partners.

For example, rather than immediately recommending a particular trust arrangement, a financial professional might ask:

“What concerns you most about what could happen financially if your spouse were to pass away first?”

The answer may reveal a need for financial security, concern about preserving an inheritance, or uncertainty about future relationships among surviving family members.

Understanding the concern allows the professional to evaluate strategies in the context of what the client is actually trying to accomplish.

Importantly, financial professionals should recognize the boundaries of their expertise. When unresolved relationship conflict prevents productive planning conversations, collaboration with a qualified mental health professional may be appropriate.

Translating Research into Practice

The central lesson from this research is that effective estate planning for blended families requires attention to both financial structures and family relationships.

Financial professionals can begin incorporating this perspective through three practical steps.

1. Map the family before evaluating distribution strategies.

Identify biological children, stepchildren, former spouses, shared children, and other individuals who may have financial or relational significance. Explore financial obligations and relevant relationships across households.

2. Explore each spouse’s definition of fairness and financial security.

Avoid assuming that both spouses share the same expectations about ownership, inheritance, or obligations to children. Ask questions that help uncover the values and concerns influencing their preferences.

3. Address competing priorities before recommending solutions.

When disagreements emerge, help clients clarify the underlying concerns rather than moving immediately toward technical solutions. Once their priorities are better understood, collaborate with estate planning attorneys and other professionals to evaluate appropriate strategies.

These steps do not replace the technical components of estate planning. They help ensure those components are informed by the realities of the family they are intended to serve.

Beyond the Estate Plan

An estate plan can be technically sound and still fail to address the concerns that matter most to a family.

For blended families, the effectiveness of an estate planning strategy depends not only on how assets are titled or distributed but also on whether the decisions reflect the family’s relationships, responsibilities, and expectations.

By taking time to understand those dynamics, financial professionals can facilitate more productive conversations, identify potential sources of conflict, and help clients develop estate plans that better align with their goals.

Because in blended families, estate planning is rarely just about who gets what. It’s also about the people and relationships behind those decisions.

Original Research

Van Cleve, M., & Klontz, B. (2022). The psychology of estate planning with blended families: How financial planners can better help blended families develop an estate plan that works. Journal of Financial Planning, 35(8), 74–88.

Read the original research article.

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